Two

This is day two and post two of my recovery.  I’ve promised myself that I’ll try and write a post everyday, because, well I don’t know why.

So far today I have received a message from the ex, which was cruel in it’s subtleties. One of my cats has become stuck in a tree and is unable to get down (I can’t get him down either, nor the fire brigade).

My cats predicament feels much like my own. I’ve managed to get myself to a place I thought I’d never be and I can’t find my way back.  Every time someone tries to help me, I am afraid because they try to grab me and pull me down, but each time they do that I lose my footing.  Much like my cat, I think that I need to find my own way down.

This doesn’t stop me worrying about him though.  I think we both need a soft place to land.

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Mors certa est, vita non.

As the name of this (my first post) suggests, I am in a place where there are many paths and no maps.  I am twenty-two years old, female, overweight and underpaid.  I spend my time watching Happy Days reruns and wishing that my life was more like an episode of Eureka or Sanctuary.  My relationship of just over three years has recently ended and I have absolutely no idea what my next move is, or should be.  As my mother said, I need to ‘find out whether I even like eggs’, referencing ‘Runaway Bride’.

I’m wondering if I’ve spent my entire life doing what I think I should want to do, if that makes any sense.  I honestly can’t tell the difference between want and should at this stage, but I’m sure that over the next however many years I walk this earth, I will only get more confused.

On the topic of an ended relationship, it has been a week since the towel was thrown in and everybody went home.  What are you supposed to feel after a serious relationship ends?  Guilt, anger, sadness, relief, or madness?  I find myself thinking I should be angry and grief stricken, absolutely inconsolable.  Instead, I feel guilt that I am feeling none of these things, not in their extremes at least.  I know that I can live my life without this person in it, even though I thought I’d marry him.  I imagine I can live my life without anyone in it at all, much like I’m doing now.  Is it a strange notion that as a woman in her early twenties, I have not a single friend that I can speak to or ‘hang out’ with?  I think that it’s stranger that I have no desire for these friendships.

I think that the worst thing for me at the moment is that I have no sense of direction.

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